Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

    Doors: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To open a door, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain ,snow or mosquito season.

    Chairs and rugs: If you have to throw up get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you walk backwards so that the upchuck is as long as a human’s bare foot.

    Walking: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

    Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

    Litter Box: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

    Hiding: Every now and then hide in place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for 3-4 hours under any circumstance. This will cause the humans to panic (thinking that you have run away or are lost). Once you do come out the humans will cover you with love, kisses and you will probably get a treat.

    One last thought: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget the guests.


    Day 983 of my captivity.

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them I once again vomited on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ”good little hunter” I am. Jerks!!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplishes tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of allergies. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

    A Cat Is Not A Dog

    Cats are called all sorts of effable and ineffable names, including Predator and Precious, but they are never mistaken for dogs.

    One way to tell a cat from a dog is by the leash. Dogs will do anything to please humans; sit, heel, stay, wag tails, slobber, whine and even wear leashes. Cats never do anything to please humans they only please themselves. They can get away with this because they suffer no guilt. City bureaucracy, however, was willing to try to control cats, if not with guilt, then with a leash. In 1987 a leash law for cats “at large” was put into effect, in our city, but no one pays attention to it. We know that a cat should not be running around outside, but many people do let their cats out. However I have never seen a cat on a leash.

    I lived with four cats at the time the leash law came into effect. Mitchell, Mousey Cleark, Billy Bob Wickersham, and Albondiga (Spanish for meatball…he was about as big as a meatball when he came to us) who was of unknown parentage. Al was given to me by two little girls outside the Publix Supermarket. What could I do? I have no resistance to cats.

    I lived in a quite neighborhood, had a big yard and although I do not approve of it today I let the cats outside..without leashes at that time. Today no one seems to know that there is a leash law in the city. I see cats running around outside all the time, howling at night, making the dog next door bark.

    If you decide to put a leash on your cat, maybe to go visit the vet, you will first need a collar. Forget it. Cats simply pull their heads out of any collar they choose not to wear. Get a harness, the kind made for poodles. Do not get pink, blue or rhinestone for a cat. Get red or black. Put the head and front legs through the openings. Buckle securely but not so tightly that it restricts circulation. Attach leash. The cat will now collapse on its side, paralyzed by the psychological damage inflicted, because of the denial of the basic anarchistic nature of the animal.

    Stand the cat up on its legs. Pull gently on the leash. Stand the cat up again. Ignore snarling, hissing and barring of teeth.

    Any improvement in leash behavior should be rewarded. I hope this will be informative. Just remember, a cat is not a dog. They are, after all, human.